My best friend Marissa Ann Baker wrote this. I can honestly say she was my first friend who I opened up to about my anxiety and can fully understand. So read and live a moment in the life of person with anxiety.
“The good bad and the ugly of me.
Or any anxious person.
Anxiety mentally exhaust us. We are tired all the time.
2. No naps
Your mind never actually stops, so when you’re napping, you’re never really napping.
On random days, Your breathe shortens and you find yourself taking deep breathes to make up for the shortness.
I overthink EVERYTHING. For example, gift opening at Christmas. It’s hard for me to show excitement because I worry about whether people think I’m faking excitement (genuine or not) and so I end up looking like a don’t give a crap when in reality it’s exactly what I’ve been wanting!
5. Questioning yourself
For an anxious person it doesn’t matter if you are telling the truth or a lie, if someone accuses you of lying, your mind replays everything over and over again to make sure you’re not lying, even down to the most minuscule details.
Even questioning the right thing to do! Do I help this person? I should it would be honorable… But If I help this person, they will probably think I just feel sorry for them? Do I feel sorry for them? Will they be mad at me for helping? Or will it make their day? There’s times when I just have to shut my mind off to make myself do what I know is right, because if allow it, my mind will turn everything positive, negative, or neutral into the most horrible and awful thing.
The type of paranoia when you text someone and they don’t respond and your first thought is they are avoiding me, I am annoying them, or they don’t want to talk or hang out with me. When someone ask you to hangout and your first thought is “is this a prank” they couldn’t possibly actually want to hang out with me without some kind of ulterior motive. And lastly the paranoia where you can’t throw a party because you really don’t think people care enough about you to show up. When in reality you have thousands of people who would be there for you in a heart beat.
Always needing to feel accepted and loved is a huge part of anxiety. You crave the deepest connections with people, yet your too anxious to ever let it get that far.
8. Unfinished tasks
Any anxious person can tell you, if I start something I have to finish it. I can’t have something unfinished just sitting there, it will drive me crazy. And I can’t do anything else until I finish it.
9. The root of thoughts
God is that you? Or is that just my brain? Are you trying to tell me something or is my brain actively tricking me into thinking that it is gods voice.
10. Voicing my opinion
I can’t possibly voice my opinion because if I do it might make someone mad …. And how can I deal with someone being mad at me? Shut up and keep the peace. My opinion isn’t worth it. HOWEVER, my opinion is worth it. My thoughts and ideas are worth it. And I deserve to be heard. As does everyone else.
It doesn’t exist. I can’t possibly let anybody close enough to see the darkest dustiest parts of my soul. I crave to show my soul and I crave others showing their soul to me. The problem is, I can listen all day long to your issues, your happiness, your heartaches and I’ll be there for you and never tell a soul. But when it comes to opening up to others… “How could they ever understand? And if they could understand, would they care enough to stick around? Would they even like the person I am inside? Would it scare them off? People don’t really care about my issues. I’m just here to make everyone else feel a little more alive. All the while, letting parts of my soul die for fear of showing who I really am.”
Feeling like I need to fix any and everyone is a huge weight. She looks sad, I’ll write her a letter. He looks angry, I’ll give a listening ear. She’s busy, I need to help her relax. She just got yelled at, let me lend a hug. She’s going through a break up, I’ll buy her a tub of ice cream. These aren’t bad traits, in fact they are highly rewarding. The best parts of my days. But I can say, it is a sacrifice. Spending my last three dollars on ice cream instead of gas. Taking precious time away from my family or responsibilities to make sure you feel heard and loved. Sacrificing some thoughts on the discussion because it’s more important to me that you feel loved than you hear my opinion. SUCKING IT UP ON A HORRIBLE day and putting a smile on in order to help you have a better day. Putting so much of my energy into so many other people that often times I’m not all that nice to my own family.
Not really giving a damn about tradition or social pressures but feeling the need to make everyone else around you happy. But not enough to actually conform to these stupid ideas.
Being a big bubble of positivity has its perks, as I’m sure most of you know… If one day you are NOT a bubbly ray of sunshine… You have everyone and their mother asking you if you’re okay? What’s wrong? You’re being negative? You’re not being you? Well excuse me for taking a day to not bring sunshine to your life. Even the sun gets to rest during the night. I should too. Let me bask in it.
I’ve got all the positive vibes in the world, but it doesn’t always mean I believe in myself. Most times, my mind is telling me I can’t. I just know that I’m controlled by a faith in Christ rather than in my emotions. Which leads me to my last point.
Anxiety, and all other forms of emotions and moods are just that. They do not define you. They do not make you less worthy. They make you different, and they make you unique. But the most important thing for you to know, is that whatever you are facing. You do not go it alone. Christ is always with us. And you do not have to believe the lies of your emotions. Your emotions tell you to fear, God tells you to be courageous. Your worry and anxiety tells you I’m unlovable, God tells you you are loved by the most high God.
Your sadness tells you that nobody cares but God tells you that he cares beyond a shadow of a doubt. And the truth is we have a choice every single day to live out of fear and off of our emotions and to look fear in the face and say GOD HAS MADE ME. I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVABLE. I DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE LIES INSIDE MY OWN MIND. so while all these facts are a part of me, they do not define me. I choose to be based in the truth. “