Two years ago I was diagnosed with cancer. In these two years I have found best friends who continue to push me on my darkest days. I have completed my mamas dream and graduated college. I have helped find and bring awareness to a cluster of OM that was just 5 people a year ago to 20 people now. As much as I struggle to get out of bed everyday, I remember the angels we have lost, I aspire to live each day for them. I hope I have been able to make them proud as they watch over me. I hope I have been able to make everybody who knows me a little proud, because this journey has been a rough one in many ways but with everyone’s support its been a little easier. Thank you all!
I know this off topic but a great read! I start my internship student teaching next Tuesday in a second grade classroom! I am beyond nervous but so excited! And this article just made my heart feel warm and fuzzy! Enjoy!
“Date a girl who teaches children. Date a girl who enjoys more in a bookstore for school supplies and children’s books rather than in make-up store. She has problems with storage space because she has too many trinkets and storybooks to keep. Date a girl who has a list of stories that she wants to have and read, who has a collection of Aklat Adarna, Leo Lionni and Eric Carle’s books.
Find a girl who teaches. You’ll know that she does because she always carries supersized bags. She’s the one who has everything in her tote. From art-project glitter materials to wet wipes. She has to carry her laptop almost everyday and all those papers and booklets that only she can understand. She might forget to bring her lipstick, but she won’t forget to carry her water bottle and pencil case with colourful pens in it.
It is easy enough to date a girl who teaches. She won’t want expensive gifts; you can buy storybook for her birthday, flowers for Teacher’s day, craft punchers for Christmas. You can buy her anything but please spare her with coffee mugs; she has lots from her students.
A girl who teaches won’t require much of your time. She will hardly see you on weeknights because she prefers to finish her lesson plans and worksheets and catch up sleep. Unless she had a really bad and long day, she will randomly ask you to have dinner or coffee with her. But if you insist, she will try her best and make it to the last full show of Inception even on a freakin’ Wednesday night just to be with you. (Please cooperate and pretend with her that she enjoyed the movie by not asking details of the show anymore.)
Date a girl who teaches. She’s heaps of fun, up for anything, and generally the life of the party after her long workweek. You won’t remember that she works with small children until she starts sharing insignificant stories about children that you will never meet.
Don’t be scared if you accidentally fart in front of a girl who teaches. She has high tolerance on the yuckiest things on earth, be it snot, poop, pee or vomit. She won’t bother.
Experience dating a girl who teaches young children and you’ll be surprised of the life lessons you’ll learn from her. She will definitely touch your life.
Date a girl who teaches because you deserve it. She’s sweet, she’s witty, she’s creative (in ALL areas), and she’s thoughtful (you will never fail to receive a personalized greeting card in glitter for every occasion).
And if you’re looking for an excellent mother for your offspring, she’s the one. A girl who teaches knows exactly how to raise children and keep them from becoming bratty. She knows the perfect name to give to your child, and what name to avoid because its lenghty or trendy.
If you find a girl who teaches, keep her close. Her love is unconditional and she’s the most patient creature on earth. She’s a well-rounded lover and a guaranteed best friend for life.
Find a girl who teaches young children. Date her. Marry her. Make her happy.
Because no one ever is more passionate, than a girl who teaches.”
Munini Nheng, inspired by “Date a Girl who Reads”
My best friend Marissa Ann Baker wrote this. I can honestly say she was my first friend who I opened up to about my anxiety and can fully understand. So read and live a moment in the life of person with anxiety.
“The good bad and the ugly of me.
Or any anxious person.
Anxiety mentally exhaust us. We are tired all the time.
2. No naps
Your mind never actually stops, so when you’re napping, you’re never really napping.
On random days, Your breathe shortens and you find yourself taking deep breathes to make up for the shortness.
I overthink EVERYTHING. For example, gift opening at Christmas. It’s hard for me to show excitement because I worry about whether people think I’m faking excitement (genuine or not) and so I end up looking like a don’t give a crap when in reality it’s exactly what I’ve been wanting!
5. Questioning yourself
For an anxious person it doesn’t matter if you are telling the truth or a lie, if someone accuses you of lying, your mind replays everything over and over again to make sure you’re not lying, even down to the most minuscule details.
Even questioning the right thing to do! Do I help this person? I should it would be honorable… But If I help this person, they will probably think I just feel sorry for them? Do I feel sorry for them? Will they be mad at me for helping? Or will it make their day? There’s times when I just have to shut my mind off to make myself do what I know is right, because if allow it, my mind will turn everything positive, negative, or neutral into the most horrible and awful thing.
The type of paranoia when you text someone and they don’t respond and your first thought is they are avoiding me, I am annoying them, or they don’t want to talk or hang out with me. When someone ask you to hangout and your first thought is “is this a prank” they couldn’t possibly actually want to hang out with me without some kind of ulterior motive. And lastly the paranoia where you can’t throw a party because you really don’t think people care enough about you to show up. When in reality you have thousands of people who would be there for you in a heart beat.
Always needing to feel accepted and loved is a huge part of anxiety. You crave the deepest connections with people, yet your too anxious to ever let it get that far.
8. Unfinished tasks
Any anxious person can tell you, if I start something I have to finish it. I can’t have something unfinished just sitting there, it will drive me crazy. And I can’t do anything else until I finish it.
9. The root of thoughts
God is that you? Or is that just my brain? Are you trying to tell me something or is my brain actively tricking me into thinking that it is gods voice.
10. Voicing my opinion
I can’t possibly voice my opinion because if I do it might make someone mad …. And how can I deal with someone being mad at me? Shut up and keep the peace. My opinion isn’t worth it. HOWEVER, my opinion is worth it. My thoughts and ideas are worth it. And I deserve to be heard. As does everyone else.
It doesn’t exist. I can’t possibly let anybody close enough to see the darkest dustiest parts of my soul. I crave to show my soul and I crave others showing their soul to me. The problem is, I can listen all day long to your issues, your happiness, your heartaches and I’ll be there for you and never tell a soul. But when it comes to opening up to others… “How could they ever understand? And if they could understand, would they care enough to stick around? Would they even like the person I am inside? Would it scare them off? People don’t really care about my issues. I’m just here to make everyone else feel a little more alive. All the while, letting parts of my soul die for fear of showing who I really am.”
Feeling like I need to fix any and everyone is a huge weight. She looks sad, I’ll write her a letter. He looks angry, I’ll give a listening ear. She’s busy, I need to help her relax. She just got yelled at, let me lend a hug. She’s going through a break up, I’ll buy her a tub of ice cream. These aren’t bad traits, in fact they are highly rewarding. The best parts of my days. But I can say, it is a sacrifice. Spending my last three dollars on ice cream instead of gas. Taking precious time away from my family or responsibilities to make sure you feel heard and loved. Sacrificing some thoughts on the discussion because it’s more important to me that you feel loved than you hear my opinion. SUCKING IT UP ON A HORRIBLE day and putting a smile on in order to help you have a better day. Putting so much of my energy into so many other people that often times I’m not all that nice to my own family.
Not really giving a damn about tradition or social pressures but feeling the need to make everyone else around you happy. But not enough to actually conform to these stupid ideas.
Being a big bubble of positivity has its perks, as I’m sure most of you know… If one day you are NOT a bubbly ray of sunshine… You have everyone and their mother asking you if you’re okay? What’s wrong? You’re being negative? You’re not being you? Well excuse me for taking a day to not bring sunshine to your life. Even the sun gets to rest during the night. I should too. Let me bask in it.
I’ve got all the positive vibes in the world, but it doesn’t always mean I believe in myself. Most times, my mind is telling me I can’t. I just know that I’m controlled by a faith in Christ rather than in my emotions. Which leads me to my last point.
Anxiety, and all other forms of emotions and moods are just that. They do not define you. They do not make you less worthy. They make you different, and they make you unique. But the most important thing for you to know, is that whatever you are facing. You do not go it alone. Christ is always with us. And you do not have to believe the lies of your emotions. Your emotions tell you to fear, God tells you to be courageous. Your worry and anxiety tells you I’m unlovable, God tells you you are loved by the most high God.
Your sadness tells you that nobody cares but God tells you that he cares beyond a shadow of a doubt. And the truth is we have a choice every single day to live out of fear and off of our emotions and to look fear in the face and say GOD HAS MADE ME. I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVABLE. I DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE LIES INSIDE MY OWN MIND. so while all these facts are a part of me, they do not define me. I choose to be based in the truth. “
It’s been one of those weekends, where I actually feel like I have cancer. Since Friday I have had a smashing headache and it wont let up. My whole body has been aching and every hour it seems like there’s a new pain. I am exhausted and sometimes the pain gets so bad to where I am ready to vomit. I also found a freckle that worries me, I am going to the doctors on campus tomorrow just to see if she thinks I should get it looked out by a dermatologist. Hopefully I am just over worrying and examining it too much. And at the doctors I am going to see if they can give me something to help with all the pain, especially this headache. Its not my normal migraine, but a huge pain in the butt when I have so much work to finish for my summer class. I am beyond ready for a break.
On a good note, I started reading The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green, it’s a great book so far! And it hits home. Its about a girl with cancer who meets a guy, that’s all I can say I don’t want to spoil it! And I am only on chapter 5 soo.. I don’t really know the big spoilers yet. So far my favorite quote is “I’m a grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the causalities, okay?” I relate a lot to this quote, I still have this barrier up to keep people out. I am open about most things but when it comes to certain relationships and friendships I just take step back and never let it go beyond a certain point to where they would actually see my true feeling, thoughts and pain. I hope this book if anything is a since of motivation to drop the walls down and let people actually get to know me.
In class tonight we talked about a system for classroom management where each student has their own bucket and throughout the day or week they’re giving pom poms as rewards. After a while they can trade their pom poms into prizes and special treats. Our teacher told us how you can be a filler and you can fill your bucket with good things and receive positive rewards for your actions or you can be a dipper, a dipper is somebody who does a negative action or looks at things in negative ways. So this brings on my idea of life as a bucket, are you going to fill yourself bucket with great memories and little enjoyments, or are you going to dip your bucket, missing opportunities, bringing down others, and living in past mistakes. As this journey continues in a world of the things I never expected to happen, I hope I will only continue to fill my bucket with as many enjoyments, great memories, lifelong friendships and hidden passions. It hasn’t even been a year yet, I have battled my own demons and everyday challenges. But at the end of the day I know I am filling my life with wonderful memories and I won’t have any regrets whenever my days end.
So I havent been posting. Its been crazy with school and I have had to put my health first. Everything is fine. Still NED. Just battling a bunch of different kinds of sickness, strep throat, tonsillitis, ear infections all the works. I have also been battling some mental health issues and I feel like I am stable enough to post about it. I was in a really dark place and hard to find motivation to continue. My grades started dropping because I honestly thought there’s no point because the stats are so high for spreading. I just lost all hope and saw no light at the end of the tunnel. BUT I am doing so much better now. Ive been in therapy and was prescribed some medicine, my roommates can tell a difference and I am actually getting out of bed. Even going out on the weekends. I am so relieved that I will actually be able to go home over summer break for a month and just relax. And my motivation is walking across that stage next spring, cancer free. Finals week is so much more relaxed for me this year and I haven’t been procrastinating on work, which truly has paid off.
Wooohooo! Cupcake over and out!
Yayyy my newspaper article finally published in the Huntersville Herald yesterday. So blessed for this opportunity to share my story. Here’s the link http://www.huntersvilleherald.com/news/2014/3/13/8726/hopewell-grad-continues-studies-despite-rare-cancer