Life for an anxious person

My best friend Marissa Ann Baker wrote this. I can honestly say she was my first friend who I opened up to about my anxiety and can fully understand. So read and live a moment in the life of person with anxiety.

“The good bad and the ugly of me.
Or any anxious person.

1. Naps
Anxiety mentally exhaust us. We are tired all the time.

2. No naps
Your mind never actually stops, so when you’re napping, you’re never really napping.

3. Breathing
On random days, Your breathe shortens and you find yourself taking deep breathes to make up for the shortness.

4. Overthinking
I overthink EVERYTHING. For example, gift opening at Christmas. It’s hard for me to show excitement because I worry about whether people think I’m faking excitement (genuine or not) and so I end up looking like a don’t give a crap when in reality it’s exactly what I’ve been wanting!

5. Questioning yourself
For an anxious person it doesn’t matter if you are telling the truth or a lie, if someone accuses you of lying, your mind replays everything over and over again to make sure you’re not lying, even down to the most minuscule details.

Even questioning the right thing to do! Do I help this person? I should it would be honorable… But If I help this person, they will probably think I just feel sorry for them? Do I feel sorry for them? Will they be mad at me for helping? Or will it make their day? There’s times when I just have to shut my mind off to make myself do what I know is right, because if allow it, my mind will turn everything positive, negative, or neutral into the most horrible and awful thing.

6. Paranoia
The type of paranoia when you text someone and they don’t respond and your first thought is they are avoiding me, I am annoying them, or they don’t want to talk or hang out with me. When someone ask you to hangout and your first thought is “is this a prank” they couldn’t possibly actually want to hang out with me without some kind of ulterior motive. And lastly the paranoia where you can’t throw a party because you really don’t think people care enough about you to show up. When in reality you have thousands of people who would be there for you in a heart beat.

7. Acceptance
Always needing to feel accepted and loved is a huge part of anxiety. You crave the deepest connections with people, yet your too anxious to ever let it get that far.

8. Unfinished tasks
Any anxious person can tell you, if I start something I have to finish it. I can’t have something unfinished just sitting there, it will drive me crazy. And I can’t do anything else until I finish it.

9. The root of thoughts
God is that you? Or is that just my brain? Are you trying to tell me something or is my brain actively tricking me into thinking that it is gods voice.

10. Voicing my opinion
I can’t possibly voice my opinion because if I do it might make someone mad …. And how can I deal with someone being mad at me? Shut up and keep the peace. My opinion isn’t worth it. HOWEVER, my opinion is worth it. My thoughts and ideas are worth it. And I deserve to be heard. As does everyone else.

11. Vulnerability.
It doesn’t exist. I can’t possibly let anybody close enough to see the darkest dustiest parts of my soul. I crave to show my soul and I crave others showing their soul to me. The problem is, I can listen all day long to your issues, your happiness, your heartaches and I’ll be there for you and never tell a soul. But when it comes to opening up to others… “How could they ever understand? And if they could understand, would they care enough to stick around? Would they even like the person I am inside? Would it scare them off? People don’t really care about my issues. I’m just here to make everyone else feel a little more alive. All the while, letting parts of my soul die for fear of showing who I really am.”

12. Fixing/encouraging
Feeling like I need to fix any and everyone is a huge weight. She looks sad, I’ll write her a letter. He looks angry, I’ll give a listening ear. She’s busy, I need to help her relax. She just got yelled at, let me lend a hug. She’s going through a break up, I’ll buy her a tub of ice cream. These aren’t bad traits, in fact they are highly rewarding. The best parts of my days. But I can say, it is a sacrifice. Spending my last three dollars on ice cream instead of gas. Taking precious time away from my family or responsibilities to make sure you feel heard and loved. Sacrificing some thoughts on the discussion because it’s more important to me that you feel loved than you hear my opinion. SUCKING IT UP ON A HORRIBLE day and putting a smile on in order to help you have a better day. Putting so much of my energy into so many other people that often times I’m not all that nice to my own family.

13. Pressure
Not really giving a damn about tradition or social pressures but feeling the need to make everyone else around you happy. But not enough to actually conform to these stupid ideas.

14. Positivity
Being a big bubble of positivity has its perks, as I’m sure most of you know… If one day you are NOT a bubbly ray of sunshine… You have everyone and their mother asking you if you’re okay? What’s wrong? You’re being negative? You’re not being you? Well excuse me for taking a day to not bring sunshine to your life. Even the sun gets to rest during the night. I should too. Let me bask in it.

15. Believe
I’ve got all the positive vibes in the world, but it doesn’t always mean I believe in myself. Most times, my mind is telling me I can’t. I just know that I’m controlled by a faith in Christ rather than in my emotions. Which leads me to my last point.

16. Emotions
Anxiety, and all other forms of emotions and moods are just that. They do not define you. They do not make you less worthy. They make you different, and they make you unique. But the most important thing for you to know, is that whatever you are facing. You do not go it alone. Christ is always with us. And you do not have to believe the lies of your emotions. Your emotions tell you to fear, God tells you to be courageous. Your worry and anxiety tells you I’m unlovable, God tells you you are loved by the most high God.
Your sadness tells you that nobody cares but God tells you that he cares beyond a shadow of a doubt. And the truth is we have a choice every single day to live out of fear and off of our emotions and to look fear in the face and say GOD HAS MADE ME. I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVABLE. I DO NOT HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE LIES INSIDE MY OWN MIND. so while all these facts are a part of me, they do not define me. I choose to be based in the truth. “

Hope on a page?

It’s been one of those weekends, where I actually feel like I have cancer. Since Friday I have had a smashing headache and it wont let up. My whole body has been aching and every hour it seems like there’s a new pain. I am exhausted and sometimes the pain gets so bad to where I am ready to vomit. I  also found a freckle that worries me, I am going to the doctors on campus tomorrow just to see if she thinks I should get it looked out by a dermatologist. Hopefully I am just over worrying and examining it too much. And at the doctors I am going to see if they can give me something to help with all the pain, especially this headache. Its not my normal migraine, but a huge pain in the butt when I have so much work to finish for my summer class. I am beyond ready for a break.

On a good note, I started reading The Fault in Our Stars, by John Green, it’s a great book so far! And it hits home. Its about a girl with cancer who meets a guy, that’s all I can say I don’t want to spoil it! And I am only on chapter 5 soo.. I don’t really know the big spoilers yet. So far my favorite quote is “I’m a grenade and at some point I’m going to blow up and I would like to minimize the causalities, okay?” I relate a lot to this quote, I still have this barrier up to keep people out. I am open about most things but when it comes to certain relationships and friendships I just take step back and never let it go beyond a certain point to where they would actually see my true feeling, thoughts and pain. I hope this book if anything is a since of motivation to drop the walls down and let people actually get to know me. 

 

Filler or Dipper

In class tonight we talked about a system for classroom management where each student has their own bucket and throughout the day or week  they’re giving pom poms as rewards. After a while they can trade their pom poms into prizes and special treats. Our teacher told us how you can be a filler and you can fill your bucket with good things and receive positive rewards for your actions or you can be a dipper, a dipper is somebody who does a negative action or looks at things in negative ways. So this brings on my idea of life as a bucket, are you going to fill yourself bucket with great memories and little enjoyments, or are you going to dip your bucket, missing opportunities, bringing down others, and living in past mistakes. As this journey continues in a world of the things I never expected to happen, I hope I will only continue to fill my bucket with as many enjoyments, great memories, lifelong friendships and hidden passions. It hasn’t even been a year yet, I have battled my own demons and everyday challenges. But at the end of the day I know I am filling my life with wonderful memories and I won’t have any regrets whenever my days end.

Health first, as always

So I havent been posting. Its been crazy with school and I have had to put my health first. Everything is fine. Still NED.  Just battling a bunch of different kinds of sickness, strep throat, tonsillitis, ear infections all the works. I have also been battling some mental health issues and I feel like I am stable enough to post about it. I was in a really dark place and hard to find motivation to continue. My grades started dropping because I honestly thought there’s no point because the stats are so high for spreading. I just lost all hope and saw no light at the end of the tunnel. BUT I am doing so much better now. Ive been in therapy and was prescribed some medicine, my roommates can tell a difference and I am actually getting out of bed. Even going out on the weekends. I am so relieved that I will actually be able to go home over summer break for a month and just relax. And my motivation is walking across that stage next spring, cancer free. Finals week is so much more relaxed for me this year and I haven’t been procrastinating on work, which truly has paid off.

Wooohooo! Cupcake over and out!

Readers Suggestions..

Hi guys I am looking for tips and suggestions of items that y’all wish you had while you were having chemotherapy or radiation as well gifts you were tired of receiving. I have some ideas up my sleeves and need good suggestions.  This can also be for caregivers, what would you of liked to receive or help the process, as well as for me to know to help future patients. Please feel free to email any ideas to cupcakevscancer@gmail.com

Clear scans.. check!

Yesterday’s appointment with Dr. Sato went great! He said all my scans looked good and there was NED. Which will give me relief until the next time I see him (September). I meant to post this yesterday, however as soon as we left Jefferson we headed to North Carolina, in the car from 3 pm to 230 am. We were all exhausted and ready for bed. Luckily in moms rental car there’s a DVD player so we would stop at redbox and I would get movies. I definitely recommend Prisoners and Side Effects, Turbo wasn’t bad either. Watching movies helped the trip go by quicker especially when they were great movies. I’ve spent all today just vegging out. I feel like I have travel lag, I just continued to watch movies all day with my brother and sleep. I just feel so drained, but I am sure everybody does after being a car for 24 hours with 48 hours. Tomorrow mom and I are going to get massages wohooo!! My back and neck have been killing me, not sure if its stress or maybe a strain, but what I do know is tomorrow should be a great day massage then shopping! Maybe find a dress for my sorority’s installation banquet in two weeks. Any excuse to dress up, I am there!
I really am thankful for all the support I got while traveling up to Philly and hearing the results of my clear scans. I feel like with all the kind words of encouragement and all their prayers, gives me the motivation to continue on the fight stronger than ever as well as bring awareness any chance possible. Luckily all this support has led me to great opportunities to bring more awareness to OM that I wouldn’t hadn’t had the chance to do before. Keep the inspiration coming and I will keep fighting for all, this fight is so much bigger than just my battle. It’s for all those who couldn’t finish because it was time to go home, sweet home.